Fifty Shades of Grey

 Starring: Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson
Cert 18
Whod’v’e thought there’d be so many horny women up for an erotic evening of sexual debauchery on a dreary, wintry, Monday night in Stoke?
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I opened the doors to Screen Three at the Odeon at 7.30pm to see an almost full auditorium.
It’s been months, no years, since I’ve struggled to find a seat. I can’t remember the last time a film attracted such a full capacity audience.
Deciding where to park my (unspanked) bottom was difficult. Should I sit within the gaggles of rowdy girls already heckling anything remotely hunky that appeared on the trailers or should I take a seat next to one of the couples who’d clearly come along to spice up their sex lives thus making us look like a cosy threesome?
I chose neither and opted for a front row seat, which later gave me the same whiplash feeling that the bound leading lady was seemingly enduring at several junctures within her master’s playroom.
In case you’ve been cut off from the world and living in a commune in Azerbaijan, I’ll fill you in with what Fifty Shades of Grey is all about. It’s based on the novels of EL James and billed as an erotic romance, which centres on the BDSM relationship between dominant Christian Grey and his submissive, Anastasia Steele.
There are inevitably saucy scenes involving Mr Grey and Ana, his “sex slave” in his “playroom” where the pair use all manner of restraints and implements for the purposes of pleasure and pain.
These scenes evoked much heckling from the groups of girls on their ladies’ night out. When Christian removes and sniffs Ana’s knickers, there was a mass emission of “eeeewww!” across the auditorium. Was this bravado? I mused. Surely these girls have come here to see this kind of thing? And when Mr Grey removed his shirt, the girls went wild. It really was like being in a strip club… I imagine.
But this cat-calling finally took its toll on one of the auditorium’s serious film buffs who stood up halfway through and berated the heckling hen party. “We’ve come here to watch a film! Not listen to your running commentary. Now shut the f**k up or leave!”
The loudest of the lairy party — clearly a little inebriated, maybe on a sexual high from watching Christian control his muse or perhaps more likely on the seven pints of Stella from the bar beforehand — sent a salvo of abuse back in her complainant’s direction which ended in the words: “You! Me! Outside now!”
And that is how I missed a whole scene of the movie and I can’t say I was gutted. The floor show was much more entertaining than the film.