Mr Grumpy....8th August, 2019

Elements of my life are a state secret, not least my identity. This is partly because the socialist/rabble element of my readership would like to kick 10 gallons of s**t out of me, Jeremy “Matalan” Corbyn would like to steal my suits and Diane Abbott wants to set fire to my fancy lawnmower because it represents everything she despises.
However, it’s my previous life and the adventures that are contained within it that are buried in a bomb-proof vault at MI5, and I’m not just referring to the police raid on a shop in Manchester when I was inside making a purchase of a nature that would be embarrassing, if I became prime minister, a local vicar or even to my father-in-law, who is a churchwarden.

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